Vayetze

Sensitivity and Shalom Bayit 

Rachel and Leah

The Torah famously relates that Lavan had two daughters, Rachel and Leah, who were different : “Lavan had two daughters, the name of the older one was Leah and the name of the younger one was Rachel. Leah’s eyes were tender but Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance (Bereishit 29: 16-17).”

Rashi explains why Leah’s eyes were tender: “She thought that she had fallen to the lot of Eisav. She would cry because everyone would say: ‘Rivkah has two sons and Lavan has two daughters. The older daughter shall go to the older son and the younger daughter shall go to the younger son’.”

Ya’akov loved Rachel and wanted to marry her, a point he stressed to her father, Lavan:

 “Ya’akov loved Rachel and so he said, ‘I will work for you for seven years, for Rachel your younger daughter.’ Lavan said, “It is better that I give her to you than that I give her to another man, remain with me’. So Ya’akov worked seven years for Rachel and they seemed to him like a few days because of his love for her. Ya’akov said to Lavan, "Give me my wife (he already referred to her as his wife because of their agreement) for my term is fulfilled and I will come to her’.”

Lavan’s Deception

However, Lavan tricked Ya’akov into marrying Leah rather than Rachel, a fact that only became aware of in the morning, following the wedding. The Da’at Zekenim cites a Medrash that describes the events:

All of the evening the guests were serenading them: “This is Lea, this is Lea!” In the morning when he saw that she was Leah he said, “This must be why they were singing, “This is Lea” - they were hinting to me that she was Leah. He said to her: “Fraudster the daughter of a fraudster! In the night I called you Rachel and you answered me. Now I call you Leah and you answer me!” Leah replied: “There is no man who does not have students. Your father called you Eisav and you answered him. He [later] called you Ya’akov and you answered him! In other words, I learnt fraudulence from you. Your own father declared about you: ‘Your brother came in trickery.’ From these words Ya’akov began to hate her. That is why the pasuk states, “And Hashem saw that Leah was hated”.

In short, Leah told Ya’akov that she tricked him just like he had tricked his own father. This made Ya’akov begin to hate her.

However, this hatred is not clear-cut. The Torah appears to say that Ya’akov did love Leah, though not as much as Rachel: “And he also came to Rachel and he also loved Rachel [more than] Leah” (19:20). The pasuk could simply have said, “And he loved Rachel more than Leah” - why does it add the word “also”? It must intend to teach us that he loved Leah as well.

It would seem that Ya’akov worked hard to love Leah in spite of the episode recounted by the Medrash above. Though he dearly loved Rachel and never considered marrying Leah (in fact, he had devised special signs to ensure that he would only marry Rachel), he worked to instil love for her in his heart. Ultimately she was his wife and he had a duty to love her. In fact, as the Ramban notes, it is certainly difficult to say that Ya’akov -  harbored hatred for somebody in his heart. However, despite his best efforts, Ya’akov loved Rachel more. Though the Torah does testify that he “also” loved Leah, it states thereafter that “Leah was hated”, in other words, she keenly felt that Ya’akov did not love her as much as he loved Rachel.  (Radak, cited by the Ramban).

Hashem takes pity on Leah and she bears children

Leah’s compensation for being hated was that she was immediately blessed with children and Rachel was made barren - “And Hashem saw that Leah was hated and he opened her womb but Rachel was barren” . Since Leah felt unloved Hashem took pity on her.

Leah referenced this fact in naming several of her children:

“And she named him Reuven for she said, ‘Hashem has seen my distress for now my husband will love me’.” “She bore a son and she said, ‘for Hashem has heard that I am hated and He has given me this’ - and she named him Shimon”. “And she bore a son and she said, ‘now my husband will become attached to me for I bore him three sons’ - she therefore named him Levi.”

Leah hoped that the children she bore would cause Ya’akov to love her more. He would realize that she had played a vital part in the establishment of the Shevatim, and that this had been her intent all along. She had only deceived him because she dearly wanted to be attached to a tzaddik and to help him establish his family.

Much of the above is mentioned by the Ramban:

Leah deceived her sister, and Ya’akov as well. For even if we say that she acted with respect toward her father, who seized her and brought her [into Yaakov's tent] and she dared not rebel against him, she nevertheless should have told or hinted to Ya’akov that she was Leah. But worse, she pretended to be Rachel the entire night and that is why Yaakov did not recognize her until he saw her in the morning. This is why Ya’akov hated her. But Hashem knew that it was only in order to be married to a Tssadik that she acted in this manner so He had mercy on her. And so is stated in Bereishit Rabbah. When Ya’akov saw Leah’s deeds, that she deceived her sister, he set his mind to divorce her. But once Hashem bestowed her with children he said, “How can I divorce the mother of my children?” This is the explanation of “Hashem saw that Leah was hated” - He took pity on her that Ya’akov should not leave her [so he gave her children]. There are those who say that when there are two wives, one of whom is very beloved to her husband, then the second is called hated in comparison to her. This is in accordance with what the pasuk says, “And he also loved Rachel, more than Leah” - not that he hated Leah. And Leah was ashamed of this matter so Hashem saw her suffering.

Sensitivity and Shalom Bayit

Ya’akov’s attempt to love Leah and Leah’s feeling that she was “hated” teaches us an important lesson. In our relationship with others, particularly with our spouses, we must ensure that we are extremely sensitive to their feelings and ensure that they feel loved. A token effort is not sufficient. May Hashem give us the wisdom and sensitivity to carry this out!

Shabbat Shalom

Rabbi Gad Bouskila